Fuck everything up.
But live anyway.
Taste failure. Taste success.
See how in the end,
they taste the same.
They taste of you.
They taste of life.
They taste of the love you always sought.
Fuck everything up.
Say the right thing.
Say the wrong thing.
Shake, sweat, let the heart pound.
Find your edge and never abandon it.
They will call you names.
An idiot. Afraid. Deluded. Mad.
So taste rejection. Taste disapproval.
Taste the absence of any taste.
But hold yourself close.
Love. Break open to love.
Fuck everything up.
Fall to the ground, laughing, crying.
Love is going to hold you.
The ground is always the ground.
The ground is love.
And you are free.
The idea of happiness held so much promise and so much weight. It was my main motivator and driving force behind every decision I made, every place I visited and everything that I had done over the past couple of years. The idea of finding happiness somewhere out there, kept me going even through the most challenging of times.
Back then, the mere thought of having to live in New Zealand scared me and each time I thought about returning, I heard the familiar voice of my subconscious mind screaming “failure.” If New Zealand hadn’t given me the type of happiness I was seeking in all the time that I had lived there, why would it now?
But this time, knowing I was returning to my birth country felt different, in a good way.
I was returning to live rather than waiting in transit before venturing onto another country, which meant I could actually rest, recoup and feel settled instead of traipsing around the globe in search of ‘happiness.’
I wanted to create a new life for myself and I was excited to settle and make Whangarei my home, even though I had nothing left to return to, other than my family.
The moment I realized in Byron Bay that what I was searching for was inside of me and I needn’t have traveled far and wide to find it, was the moment everything changed.
I suddenly started to look at life differently and I began to experience an unfamiliar feeling of connectedness and joy. I was waking up in the mornings with a sense of excitement. Everything looked brighter, clearer and more vivid and I was bursting at the seams with creative energy and a deep sense of gratitude.
Gratitude for all of the experiences, good and bad, which had helped me to find my self.
My life felt so much richer now and I was ready to step into my fullest potential.
Everything tasted sweeter; I saw possibilities in obstacles, setbacks as blessings and love everywhere I looked. My heart had expanded in ways that I never thought was possible and I experienced a type of high that most people try to get from taking drugs.
Everywhere I turned, I received support from people and intuitive messages started flooding in, which at times freaked me out. Was this the beginning of some type of psychic ability?
As the plane hit the tarmac, now, more than ever, I was ready. Ready to truly live, instead of sitting on the sidelines waiting for a better life to come along.
I embraced my daughter, who was eagerly waiting for me at the arrivals gate like she always did, and we drove 2 and a half hours north, to her little house in Whangarei.
For the first time in two years, I unpacked my clothes from my suitcase and hung them all up on a little clothing rack that I had bought from Kmart. I lay down on the single bed in my daughter’s room, which I now shared with her, and took a long, deep and satisfying breath as I admired all of my clothes that were now hanging at the end of my bed. I used to have a walk in wardrobe full of designer shoes and clothes and a luxury latex queen size bed, but it never gave me the type of satisfaction or gratitude that I now felt.
For the first time, in a very long time, I felt happy and I couldn’t put it down to anything externally. I had no income and barely any savings left, no house or car of my own, no material possessions other than a few clothes, I wasn’t in a romantic relationship and I had no plans to travel anywhere else.
As the days overlapped the nights, I lived moment to moment from a place of contentment and peace and I began to invest my time doing only things that brought me inner satisfaction and fulfillment.
The more I focused on doing what I loved, without any real attachment to the outcome, the more I noticed things flowed. I started to write a book and all of the information that I needed, came to me at the perfect time. I practiced yoga every day and suddenly found myself connecting with other like-minded yoga teachers in the area. I found the perfect space to teach yoga from, thanks to a suggestion from a new friend and I was offered free advertising in the community centre newsletter, which had a database of over 600 emails. I was guided to the best copy shop in town to print out my yoga posters and I received help to hang them up in the best spots in town, while receiving a yes, from every single shopkeeper.
The past month saw no money pass through my wallet, yet I felt the richest girl on earth.
I made new friends with people who expressed such kindness towards me and I was introduced to the Tibetan Buddhist Centre, which was only a few minutes away from where I was living.
It took giving everything away, to see how much abundance there actually is and I felt like I had more than what I’d ever had, yet unlike money or material things, I had no fear of loosing it, because I had nothing externally to lose.
The love I discovered inside myself, was much greater than what any man could ever give me and I no longer yearned to be loved from the outside in.
My driving force was no longer the desire to find happiness, because I already felt happy. My driving force was a fire in my belly that came from an untouched place, which had been waiting to emerge.
I was now at the precipice of pure manifestation and only the signs of the universe, pure faith and a newly found love for myself guided me.
I was full to the brim with a creative energy, unlike anything that I had ever experienced before and I was now ready to step into the highest, most authentic version of myself and share my gifts with the world.
Like all other beings on earth, I AM love and I AM free…