For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
The decision was made. After almost two years of traveling, two years of constant movement, the comings and goings, the joy of arriving and the sadness of leaving, I was finally returning home.
The journey home has indeed been a long and arduous one, full of twists and turns and as I sit here and reflect on my journey, I am overcome with emotion.
Some people ask me if giving away all of my material possessions was worth it and my answer is; if I hadn’t of left, I wouldn’t have broken free from the confinement of my safe little chrysalis and emerged with wings.
I took a leap of faith that day, two years ago. I walked away from everything that was safe and familiar to me and as my life began to unravel I found myself catapulting down the side of a cliff, but on my way down I discovered I had wings and it was in that moment that I learnt to fly.
The journey home has been bittersweet.
In 2014, I set off to find an illusory pot of gold, which represented the type of happiness that my soul yearned for. However, I never expected the path to be full of obstacles, challenges and unexpected delays.
I was like a fool, naively setting forth on an adventure with absolutely no idea of what I was in store for. But the further I went, the closer I thought I was to arriving at my destination and that illusive feeling of happiness and contentment.
I stripped away everything that was previously my life and I lived in a state of poverty to become closer to god/spirit/universe. I adopted a vegetarian diet and I immersed myself into yoga, hoping that it would bring me one step closer.
After living in my van and being in a continual state of solitude I found myself traipsing around India, hoping to understand the non-materialistic ways of an Eastern lifestyle. In some ways I had become like a sadhvi who renounces their worldly possessions and cuts ties with all familial and earthly attachments in order to achieve moksha (liberation).
I prayed beneath the holiest of temples, yet still I felt lost.
I stumbled around and eventually ended up in Nepal where I continued to live in a state of poverty. I gave up my cultural identity and I lived like a Hindu while enduring the type of hardships, which only comes when living in a third world country, yet I found strength that I never knew I had while simultaneously grieving for what I had left behind.
I had so much then, yet I wasn’t grateful for what I had.
Then, realization, after realization, after realization hit me in the chest like a ton of bricks and I began gasping for air, trying to make sense of my life.
If I wasn’t happy with all that I had, why wasn’t I happy with nothing?
Hoping to find solace with a Nepalese yoga master I delved deeper into yoga and continued along my path in search of oneness with source, but I still could not find my pot of gold.
I climbed to the top of the Himalayas and still, it was nowhere to be found.
I meditated beneath Tian Tan Buddha in Hong Kong and it was still nowhere to be found.
I returned to New Zealand and I felt even more lost than when I had left.
Then I remembered it was waiting for me in Byron Bay so I booked my flight and I silently waited.
Three months of solitude passed and the day had finally come, a culmination of everything that I had endured.
My life’s possessions was now whittled down to two suitcases but it would all be worth it as my pot of gold was waiting for me in Australia, yet, I was filled with anxiety and uncertainty, what if it wasn’t there?
I shoved my doubts aside as I embraced my family one last time while weeping more goodbye tears before venturing off, onto the final leg of my journey.
I had made it. I was finally in Australia, the sacred land that contained my pot of gold!
But much to my disappointment, the pot of gold was nowhere to be found.
I felt like a failure and I screamed at god. “I have given up my home, I have left my family, my beloved, my dear friends, my much loved pets and all of my possessions, which took me a life time of hard work to buy. I have endured heartache, I have suffered loneliness and I have been brought to my knees in the depths of despair yet where is my pot of gold?!”
And god replied, “dear child, you have been searching far and wide, but the pot of gold resides within you and you needn’t have gone anywhere to find it. It has always resided within you. You only needed to come to realize this and indeed your outer journey has brought you here.”
Just as the loving whispers of spirit engulfed my entire being I was filled with a feeling of love, grace and gratitude.
It tasted as sweet as honey and the melodic notes set off a symphony of electrical beats inside of my heart, where I basked in the warmth of luminous golden rays of light.
I had found my pot of gold, which was inside of me all along and I needn’t have gone anywhere to find it!
I breathed a deep sigh of relief and laughed aloud at the paradox that was my life!
I was lost and now I had found my way back home.