To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
Two weeks was all that was standing between the goal I had set one and a half years ago. I had come full circle and I felt I was finally ready to step into what I had been manifesting.
Byron Bay had left a big impression on me and I decided that someday I’d move there when I first visited back in April 2009, I didn’t realise that that someday would be 7 years later!
The unraveling of my life began in August 2014 when I left my house to follow my dream of living a life of freedom. Freedom to me means a lot of things. Free from the ties of unhealthy relationships, free from the bondage of an unhappy lifestyle, freedom to choose meaningful and fulfilling work that would provide an income, free from the constraints of societal and familial conditioning and free from karmic patterns.
So with freedom in mind, I chose to live self sufficiently in a van and subsequently I was thrown into all sorts of difficult and challenging situations where I was pushed to my very limits with the ones who I was closest to.
I guess I could say I was thrown into the deep end where I felt I could either sink, or swim with the current of where life was taking me.
Being in unfamiliar waters forced me to look within, the one place that I had so often avoided, and amongst the murkiness I discovered the truth of who I really was. With clarity I set an intention, cleared away the debris and carved the way for a new life in Australia.
One and a half years went by, living on the bones of my arse and trying to create a new life that was more inline with my newly found authentic self. Now I was at the cusp of an important new beginning and the familiar feelings of fear began to resurface.
Fear is an extraordinary thing. The fight or flight response is an important reflex to have but sometimes it can pop up at the most inopportune times and it was fast becoming a hindrance to me.
I was fully aware of what was happening in my body but I still couldn’t seem to shake off the fear.
I had accepted the idea of being single. Rubin and I could not physically be together so we had come to terms with mutually parting ways. Our short journey together will forever be etched into my heart but a dose of cold hard reality had made us both realize that a long distance relationship was not going to work so we set each other free.
I certainly don’t regret going back to Nepal. The whole experience was very special to me and Nepal will always hold a place in my heart. Life can be so damn unpredictable sometimes and I have learnt to let go and trust that everything has a divine purpose.
Now more than ever, I needed to transmute the fear into love by loving myself, so I delved deeper into my yoga practice, I wrote an article about how to create a life of freedom, which was published in Elephant Journal (the article can be read here), and the fear slowly began to subside.
My daughter was turning 18 soon and that was a milestone in itself. My little girl who I had single handedly raised was now becoming a young woman and I was stepping out of the mothering role, which was all that I had ever really known, and into something entirely new. She had her own life now and was living independently from me, which meant I was once again finding myself in unchartered waters.
I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted in life when I found out I was pregnant. Having a baby when I was 17 forced me to grow up fast and I missed out on doing a lot of things that most young people did because I was busy raising a baby. I was freshly out of high school and suddenly my life became focused around this tiny human, but mothering came very naturally to me and the maternal bond that I have with my only child is the strongest I’ve ever experienced with anyone.
Returning to New Zealand had given me an important opportunity to resolve all my past hurts. My dad, whom I hadn’t seen for a year and a half, had recently arrived back in New Zealand and he came to visit. It was interesting because being around family brought up so much emotional stuff for me but I really enjoyed seeing him. I realize now that as adults we can easily stay stuck in the past by blaming our parents for things that they may have done or not done, but as a parent myself, I really believe that we all do our very best for our children and that insight can be a powerful tool to healing.
I also spent a lot of time with my mum, we have always been very close, and I know how hard the past couple of years has been for her, having to let me go to explore the world!
Both of my parents have given me a lot in life. They taught me to believe in myself and my earlier years imprinted me with a sense of adventure and wonder for the universe.
I had become quite adept at living frugally now and I sold the last of my clothes that had been stored in my daughter’s cupboard and I used the money to live off.
My whole life’s possessions had now been whittled down to two suitcases and I was once again faced with saying goodbye and preparing to leave, but this time it was going to be much harder as the move was more final.
I was quietly optimistic about moving to Byron Bay and I hoped that it still held the same kind of magic from what I remembered it to be. My plan was to buy a van to live in but if I were to heed past experience, I needed to be open to anything happening!
After all, I was no longer drowning in life; I was riding a big humongous wave!