She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right. She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Here’s to giving ourselves the gift of letting go…
There’s only one guru ~ you.
Rev. Safire Rose
I was relieved when I finally heard from Rubin.
The internet and power had been down for quite some time but from that day onwards, we talked everyday, in between aftershocks, power outages and poor internet reception.
It was hard thinking about what he, and everyone else must have been going through. The sites I had visited in Kathmandu were now in ruins, including Durbar Square, where I had met Rubin only days ago.
My problems in New Zealand suddenly seemed insignificant compared to what people in Nepal were faced with and all I wanted to do was go back and help but for now I had to face my own reality and that was being back in New Zealand where I really did not want to be.
I drove north to Whangarei, and hoped Yana and I wouldn’t have to stay long in a campground. It was the beginning of winter, temperatures dropped to below freezing at night, and my plan was to find a house so at-least Yana could be settled.
Whangarei is a small city in the upper North Island. I didn’t know anyone there apart from my auntie and cousin but we had decided to go there because it was cheaper than Auckland to live, and close to Yana’s grandma.
Yana didn’t want to come with me to Australia and I was having to get used to the idea of leaving her behind. I had been a mum since I was 17 so this idea of separation was so foreign to me.
My cousin ended up texting me on our drive up, and said we were welcome to stay at her place, so we drove straight there and ended up spending the next 4 weeks in her tiny little 2 bedroom house.
It was really nice to be around family again. I had almost forgotten what it felt like. I had always been close to my cousins growing up but there were long gaps in between contact. We watched movies from our childhood, laughed, talked about the past and reconnected.
However, somehow I didn’t feel like I was quite present, like a part of me had stayed behind in Nepal.
I had returned a completely different person and I didn’t think I could ever settle back into a normal New Zealand existence. I had a thirst for travel and adventure and over the next few months I was going to lay down the foundations for a completely new life.
I guess I have always been pretty adventurous. I can remember sailing to Great Barrier Island in a little sailboat and getting caught in a storm and thinking I was going to die. And then there was the time that I tried to visit a native tribe, deep in the jungle of Brazil but I was unfortunately told to leave. I got over my fear of heights by parasailing over Lake Wakatipu in Queenstown, I swam with baby sharks in Rarotonga and I circumnavigated Rottnest Island (off the coast of Perth) by foot. I scaled mountains in Chile and Argentina and walked the dangerous streets of Rio De Janiero.
I suppose I can thank my parents for my adventurous streak. They had brought me up traveling around the North Island of New Zealand and camping for as long as I can remember.
Meanwhile, my love for Rubin was growing stronger every day and our long distant relationship went from strength to strength.
I was now faced with a very important decision.
I could either stop the relationship from going any further and continue onto Byron Bay in Australia like I had planned to, or I could go back so we could be together.
I spent an agonizing few days in my head, trying to decide what to do. In the end I asked myself “since when has fear stopped me from doing anything”?
Once I had made the decision to go back, almost immediately, I was offered to work at the yoga village I had completed my yoga teacher training at in Goa.
This would give us the chance to live together while his visa was being processed so I accepted the invitation and I booked my flights back to Nepal.
I was learning now to let go and ride the wave of change while having complete trust and faith in my destiny.
But before I could leave, my priority was to set Yana up in a nice comfortable home.
It was hard finding her a house as she was only 17 and she had no previous rental history but I eventually found her a nice sunny flat for her and her boyfriend and the owner was really lovely and understanding of our situation.
After sleeping in my cold van, and on my cousin’s couch for 4 weeks, moving day had finally come.
I bought a heap of furniture online the night before, hired a trailer, and drove to Auckland to pick up the last of my stuff that had been in a storage unit for the past 10 months along with the furniture that I had recently purchased.
I had never driven with a big furniture trailer before but somehow I ended up driving all over the city without having any accidents!
We loaded up the trailer and made our way back to Whangarei, hoping that my van would be able to carry such a heavy load up the Brynderwyns (a steep mountain range).
The time had finally come for me to move out of my van. The van had been my home and only sense of security in New Zealand for the past year so it was a mixture of excitement and sadness to move all my clothes into a closet, knowing that I was going to sell her soon.
The next hurdle I was going to have to face was to say goodbye to my mum and daughter for 6 months.
Mum had always been my biggest supporter and best friend and I was going to miss her and my daughter immensely.
There’s a certain kind of victory in letting go of expectations and I have realized, to effectively design a future, I had to first let go of my past. The creative process is a process of surrender, not control and if you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly in those moments. For the greatness of a person’s power is in the measure of their surrender.
Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny. Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength however, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go. It’s not easy to let go, but I’m letting go because I know I was never in control anyway.
One thing I’ve learned about life is that when you let go, life just becomes a joy ride! Time is about the need to control, so I thought to myself, why not let go of control and embrace what happens, and if there are people that need to be forgiven, then forgive, because you can’t really awaken until you have let everything go. And when we give ourselves the chance to let go of all our tension and resistance, the body’s natural capacity to heal itself can begin to work.
When I find the courage to let go of certainties and I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. Creating space for my true self to emerge.
So I breathe. And I let go.
And I remind myself that this very moment is the only one I’ll have, for sure.